CHRISTian Humor and Truth…

James 1:22 “But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.”

For the start of your day here are some thought provokers.

With most of these you can apply scripture principles.

Christian Humor and Truth

Don’t let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.


Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
until you try to sit in their pews.


Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.


It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.


The good Lord didn’t create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.


When you get to your wit’s end, you’ll find God lives there.


People are funny; they want the
front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.


Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.


Quit griping about your
church; if it was perfect, you couldn’t belong.


If the church wants a
better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.


God Himself does not propose
to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?


Some minds are like concrete
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.


Peace starts with a smile.


I don’t know why some people
change churches; what difference does
it make which one you stay home from?!


A lot of church members who
are singing “Standing on the Promises” are just sitting on the premises.


We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.


Be ye fishers of men. You catch them – He’ll clean them.


Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.


Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.


Don’t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.


Forbidden fruits create many jams.


God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.


God grades on the cross, not the curve.


God loves everyone, but probably prefers
“fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts!”


God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.


He who angers you, controls you!


If God is your Co-pilot – swap seats!



Don’t give God instructions — just report for duty!


The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.


The Will of God never takes you to
where the Grace of God will not protect you.


We don’t change the message, the message changes us.


You can tell how big a person
is by what it takes to……….discourage him.


The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.


James 1:22 “But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.”


Our Greatest Fear…

Eccles. 12:8 “Vanity of vanities, saith the preacher; all is vanity.”

               Here are some great thoughts that a pastor gave us at the end of a sermon. It spoke volumes about how we can spend vast amounts of time, energy, and money on things that don’t really matter.

Our Greatest Fear

A perfect example was the antique car show that was held this weekend in my community. People spent years of time and money to fix up these old cars just so they can show them off at a car show and then take them home to store them.

Looking back at my own life, I spent a lot of energy playing sports. There were a lot of good things that came from being on a team, but sometimes I struggle with the emphasis and importance our society puts on athletics. It seems like winning a game is the only thing that is important and people have lost focus on what is really important in life.

The challenge for all of us is to evaluate how we spend our lives. It’s OK to have hobbies, but if they become the overwhelming driving force and time consumers in our lives, then we need to question our priorities in life. We need to consider the following quote.

“Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at something that doesn’t really matter.”

James 4:14 “Whereas you know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life?
It is even a vapor, that appears for a little time, and then vanishes away.”

So, where are your priorities this morning? Are they on fulfilling self directed and focused
goals or are they on…?

Matthew 6:33 “But seek you first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”

Matthew 6:19 “Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:”


Why go to Church…

Heb 10:24 “And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works…”


A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of the newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. “I’ve gone for 30 years now,” he wrote, “and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can’t remember a single one of them. So, I think I’m wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all.”This started a real controversy in the “Letters to the Editor “column, much to the delight of the editor.

It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher: I’ve been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for most of those meals. But I do know this: They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually bankrupt today!

“When you are DOWN to nothing…. God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible!

Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!

And finally the best reason………………

Heb 10:24,25 “And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Our Debt Paid in Full…

Romans 14:12 “So then everyone of us shall give account of himself unto God.”

Our Debt Paid in Full…

My time on earth had come to an end and I found myself in a courtroom in heaven.

The first thing I remember is sitting on a bench in the waiting room of what
I thought to be a court house. The doors opened and I was instructed to come
in and have a seat by the defense table.

As I looked around I saw the “prosecutor,” he was a villainous looking gent
who snarled as he stared at me, he definitely was the most evil person I
have ever seen.

I sat down and looked to my left and there sat my lawyer, a kind and gentle
looking man whose appearance seemed very familiar to me. The corner door
flew open and there appeared the judge in full flowing robes. He commanded an
awesome presence as he moved across the room and I couldn’t take my eyes off
of him. As he took his seat behind the bench he said “Let us begin.”

The prosecutor rose and said “My name is satan and I am here to show you
why this man belongs in hell.” He proceeded to tell of lies that I told, things
that I stole and in the past when I cheated others. satan told of other
horrible perversion that were once in my life and the more he spoke the
further down in my seat I sank. I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t look at
anyone, even my own lawyer, as the Devil told of sins that even I had
completely forgotten about.

As upset as I was at satan for telling all these things about me, I was
equally upset at my representative who sat there silently not offering any
form of defense at all.  I know I had been guilty of those things, but I had
done some good in my life — couldn’t that at least equal out part of the
harm I’ve done?

satan finished with a fury and said “This man belongs in hell, he is guilty
of all that I have charged and there is not a person who can prove otherwise.

When it was his turn, my lawyer first asked if he might approach the bench.
The judge allowed this over the strong objection of satan, and beckoned him
to come forward. As he got up and started walking I was able to see him now
in his full splendor and majesty. Now I realized why he seemed so familiar
this was Jesus representing me, my Lord and my Savior.

He stopped at the bench and softly said to the judge, “Father”, and then he
turned to address the court. ” satan was correct in saying that this man had
sinned, I won’t deny any of these allegation. And yes the wages of sins is
death and this man deserves to be punished.”

Jesus took a deep breath and turned to his Father with outstretched arms and
proclaimed, “However, I died on the cross so that this person might have
eternal life and he has accepted me as his Savior, so he is mine.”

My Lord continued with, “His name is written in the book of life and no one
can snatch him from me.  satan still does not understand this man is not to be
given justice but rather mercy.”  As Jesus sat down, he quietly paused,
looked at his Father and replied, “There is nothing else that needs to be
done, and I’ve done it all.”

The Judge lifted his mighty hand and slammed the gavel down and the
following words bellowed from his lips- “This man is free — the penalty for him has
already been paid in full, case dismissed.”

As my Lord led me away I could hear satan ranting and raving, “I won’t give
up; I’ll win the next one.”

I asked Jesus as he gave me my instructions where to go next, “Have you ever
lost a case?”  Christ lovingly smiled and said, “Everyone that has come to me
and asked me to represent them has received the same verdict as you…Paid in Full.”

In this world of terrible hurt, pain, suffering, and extreme self centered
focus to the exclusion of everyone and everything else there are times when
logic, thought, discussion, etc., do nothing.  It is in these times I have
learned that I have only one place to turn to ease the pain. That place is to my
Lord and Savior, Jesus.

II Cor 15:21 “For He has made Him to be sin for us, who knew no sin,
that we might be made the righteousness of God, in Him.”

Tech Support, I need HELP…

Humor, Challenge and Truth!
Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.”

 Tech Support, I need HELP:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.  No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Monday Night Football 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4, a Sunday Nascar 5.1, and Clutter Everywhere 5.5.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs smoothly, and invariably crashes the system. Only under significant alterations will the software run Diaper Changing 14.1 or House Cleaning 2.6.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please?!?!

Thank You, Jane

Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception.  Many people upgrade from Boy friend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that
Boy friend 5.0 is many times only an ENTERTAINMENT package.  However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was modified by some Users to run as few applications as possible. The original Design programming was not that way.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boy friend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Many try but it only causes systems crashes. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boy friend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, which is not possible.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed as planned by the software programmer. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory.

Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boy friend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more
problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Husband 1.0 was designed to be perfect for the life of users.

Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support.”  You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with Heart Break 1.3; I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. A large dose of Unconditional Love 1.0 is required from the user and the software.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself; I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).  This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.  To activate this great feature enter the command “C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME” Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.

Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. There are viruses out there Silence 12.4 and Pouting/Laziness 7.9 so be sure to run your virus protection Soft Answer 12.6 frequently.

Avoid excessive use of Tears 6.2.  Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\>I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations.

Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or worse yet, Silence and Pouting. Pouting/Laziness 7.9 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete.

Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!  Just remember!  The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boy Friend 5.0 ran.

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, Patience 10.1 and of course Unconditional Love 1.0. Using it in conjunction with these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 run smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fixe B Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, Best Friend 7.6 and most importantly will provide Returned Unconditional Love 1.0.

A final word of caution!  Remember that Mother-in-law 1.0 comes with many of the same issues.  You should not attempt to uninstall. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until Mother-in-law 1.0.

There is one solution, if you install Unconditional Love 2.0 you can safely manage Mother-in-law 1.0 and Unconditional Love 2.0 has features that work with all other programs.

I hope these notes have helped.  Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best in coming years.

We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Proverbs 3:5-7 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.   In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.   Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.”

Through the Storm, through the Night…

Romans 8:28 “And we know that to them that love God all things work together for good,

even to them that are called according to his purpose.”

Through the Storm, through the Night…

Back in 1932 I was 32 years old and a fairly new husband. My
wife, Nettie, and I were living in a little apartment on Chicago’s South Side.

One hot August afternoon I had to go to St. Louis, where I was
to be the featured soloist at a large revival meeting. I didn’t want to
go. Nettie was in the last month of pregnancy with our first child. But
a lot of people were expecting me in St. Louis.

I kissed Nettie good-bye, clattered downstairs to our Model A
and, in a fresh Lake Michigan breeze, chugged out of Chicago on Route 66.

However, outside the city, I discovered that in my anxiety at
leaving, I had forgotten my music case. I wheeled around and headed back. I found Nettie sleeping peacefully.

I hesitated by her bed; something was strongly telling me to
stay. But eager to get on my way, and not wanting to disturb Nettie, I
shrugged off the feeling and quietly slipped out of the room with my music.


The next night, in the steaming St. Louis heat, the crowd
called on me to sing again and again. When I finally sat down, a
messenger boy ran up with a Western Union telegram.


I ripped open the envelope. Pasted on the yellow sheet were the


People were happily singing and clapping around me, but I could
hardly keep from crying out. I rushed to a phone and called home.


All I could hear on the other end was “Nettie is dead. Nettie is dead.”


When I got back, I learned that Nettie had given birth to a boy.
I swung between grief and joy. Yet that night, the baby died.


I buried Nettie and our little boy, both together, in the same
casket. Then I fell apart.


For days I closeted myself. I felt that God had done me an
injustice. I didn’t want to serve Him any more or write gospel songs. I
just wanted to go back to that jazz world I once knew so well.


But then, as I hunched alone in that dark apartment those first
sad days, I thought back to the afternoon I went to St. Louis. Something
kept telling me to stay with Nettie.


Was that something God? Oh, if I had paid more attention to Him
that day, I would have stayed and been with Nettie when she died.


From that moment on I vowed to listen more closely to Him. But
still I was lost in grief.


Everyone was kind to me, especially a friend, Professor Fry, who
seemed to know what I needed. On the following Saturday evening he took
me up to Malone’s Poro College, a neighborhood music school.


It was quiet; the late evening sun crept through the curtained windows. I sat down at the piano, and my hands began to browse over the keys.

Something happened to me then. I felt at peace. I felt as
though I could reach out and touch God. I found myself playing a melody,
one into my head-they just seemed to fall into place:

Precious Lord, take my hand,
lead me on, let me stand,
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn,
Through the storm, through the night
lead me on to the light,
Take my hand, precious Lord,
Lead me home.

As the Lord gave me these words and melody, He also healed my
spirit. I learned that when we are in our deepest grief, when we feel
farthest from God, this is when He is closest, and when we are most open
to His restoring power.

And so I go on living for God willingly and joyfully, until that
day comes when He will take me and gently lead me home.

Tommy Dorsey/ “The Birth of ” Precious Lord

Neil and Rosemary Merckens

“Be still and know that I am God” ~Psalm 46

The Real Spiritual Cold War is on….

The Real Spiritual Cold War is on…

Yes there is a Cold War going on right now. It is an invisible one so we cannot see it.  There is a group of books authored by God that keeps us informed. Listen up!

 Job 2:2 “And the Lord said unto Satan, ‘From where do you come?’ So satan answered the Lord and said, ‘ From going to and fro on the earth and from walking back and forth on it.’

The warning and the solution to battling it.

I Pet 5:8 “Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about seeking whom he may devour.”

The main weapon of war in a spiritual cold war!

James 4:7 “SUBMITT yourselves therefore unto God, RESIST the devil and he will flee from you.”

 All those proclaiming to be from God are not!! The word Christian has a different definition in our world than in the Bible. Some supposed men and women of God proclaim a Gospel of health, wealth and prosperity and teach many different ways to get to heaven and they sound so good. So how can we tell the difference??

II Tim. 2:15 “Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needs not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. “

II Cor. 11:14-15 “And no marvel; for satan himself is transformed into an angel of light. Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also be transformed as the ministers of righteousness; whose end shall be according to their works.”

John 3:3 “Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again”

John 3:16-18 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.” 

 John 14:6 “Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

 Protection comes from!”

Ephes. 6:11-12 “Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. “

Have a great day and don’t forget the greatest book ever written provides you with the Armor needed to do battle. Apart from God’s power you are helpless to do battle!

James 4:7″ Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”