The Golden Phone that reaches to Heaven…

Truth and humor for your day.

Psalm 66:19,20 “But certainly God has heard me; He has attended to the
voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, Who has not turned away my prayer,
nor His mercy from me.”

The Golden Phone that reaches to Heaven…

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches
around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started
working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking
photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the
vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read “$10,000 a
minute.”

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The
Pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man
thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Greensboro,
Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more
phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Iowa. Upon entering a church in Marshalltown,
Iowa, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign
read, “calls: 35 cents.” Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.
“Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each
church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a
direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other
churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents a call.
Why?”

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied,
“Son, you’re in Iowa now………………it’s a local call.”

If you are reading this and live outside of Iowa please do not be offended and miss what the real message is……

Change Iowa to your state and all is well. The key is that our Lord
loves to communicate with us!!!!!!!!! How fortunate we are.

And most importantly we are saved by grace through faith with no additives required!

I Peter 5:7 “Casting all of your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.”

Moses and a Former President…

Exodus 3:13-15 “And Moses said unto God, Behold, when I come unto the children of Israel, and shall say unto them, The God of your fathers hath sent me unto you; and they shall say to me, What is his name? What shall I say unto them? And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you. And God said moreover unto Moses, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, The Lord God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, hath sent me unto you: this is my name for ever, and this is my memorial unto all generations.”

Moses and a former President…

While going through an airport during one of his many trips, former President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, “Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?”

The man didn’t answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

The President said, “Moses!” in a loud voice.

The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the President. The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, “Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?”

The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

“Well,” said the president, “every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!”

Again the President yelled, “Moses!” and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, “You look just like Moses.

Are you Moses?”

The man leaned over and whispered back, “Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there was no oil, at least none found to date.”

But, Moses did recognize and praise God for His loving guidance.

Psalm 7:17 “I will praise the Lord according to his righteousness: and will sing praise to the name of the Lord most high.”

AAADD…Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder…

I Cor 15:58a “Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable…””

Some humor for your day.

AAADD. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it goes…

I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I’m going to do the laundry . . . BUT FIRST I’m going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table.

OK, I’ll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack . . .

BUT FIRST I’ll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook? Oops… there’s the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I’m going to look for that checkbook…

BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the sink and there’s the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What’s it doing here? I’ll just put it away…

BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and . . . Aaaagh! Stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I’ll put the remote away and water the plants. . .

BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.

END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control. And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today,

I’m baffled because…

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious. . .
I’d get help. . .

BUT FIRST . . .I think I’ll check my e-mail.

No, there are no drugs for this one but I am sure someone will invent one………

I Cor 15:58 “Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.”

Now to add a serious note and a quiz of the day.

Did you notice what critical daily activity was missing in this humor story?

The answer is; the day was not started with a personal time with God.

Mat 6:33a “But seek you first the Kingdom of God and its righteousness…”

So, how did you start your day today??? Or have you already forgotten….?

English Language “Brain Teasers”…

Proverbs 17:22 “A merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken
spirit dries the bones.”

English Language “Brain Teasers”…

  1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced
    incorrectly. What is it?
  2.  A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents.

What time is it?

3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart.
The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches
every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at its
highest, how many rungs are under water?

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a
window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is
the bear?

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass
on the floor. There is water on the floor.
You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy?
How did Sloppy die?

7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has
been dug with a square edged shovel?

8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water
which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight,
mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same
time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?
Same question, but the location is in Canada?

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978,
thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

10. What can go up a chimney down, but can’t go down a chimney up?
(Hint… chim chimminy)

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the
other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in
the center field?

12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Answers to Brain Teasers”

  1. The word, “incorrectly.” {Almost cracked your brain, didn’t you?}

    2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between
    two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

  2. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.
  3. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North Pole,
    and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.

    5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you
    follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed
    before addition. So… half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.

  4. Sloppy is a (gold) fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked
    his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him. {Poor Sloppy.}

    7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it’s still a hole:
    the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong
    for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement
    too. So you don’t even know how much air is in the hole.)

  5. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F
    water hits the bottom of the bucket last.
    Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think
    again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in
    it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down…

    9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.

  6. An umbrella.

    11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

  7. The temperature.

Hope that was not too much to start your day. Have a good one and remember,

Jesus is with you and is in control of all of the events of the day!

Proverbs 17:22 “A merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken
spirit dries the bones.”

A Modern Day Aesop’s Fable…

James 1:27 “Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.”

A Modern Day Aesop’s Fable

A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it contain?  He was aghast to discover that it was a mousetrap!  Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, “There is a mousetrap in the house, there is a mousetrap in the house.”

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, “There is a mousetrap in the house.”  “I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse,” sympathized the pig, “but there is nothing I can do about it but pray; be assured that you are in my prayers.”

The mouse turned to the cow, who replied, “Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse trap; am I in grave danger, Duh?”

So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected to face the farmer’s mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught.

In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer’s wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital.  She returned home with a fever.

Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient. His wife’s sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer’s wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral! The farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.

So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

James 2:15,16 “If a brother or sister be naked and destitute of daily food; And one of you say to them, ‘Depart in peace, by you warmed and filled’; Notwithstanding you give them not those things which are needful for the body; what does it profit?”

She Locked Her Keys in the Car Humor…

Phil 4:6a”Be anxious for NOTHING …”

She Locked Her Keys in The Car Humor…

A woman was getting a pie ready to put into the oven when the
Phone rang. It was the school nurse:  Her son had some down with a high
fever and would she come and take him home? The mother calculated how
long it would take to drive to school and back and how long the pie
should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the
oven, she left for school.

When she arrived, her son’s fever was worse and the nurse urged
her to take him to the doctor. Seeing her son like that – his face
flushed, his body trembling and dripping with perspiration – frayed her,
and she drove to the clinic as fast as she dared.  She was frayed a bit
more waiting for the doctor to emerge from the examining room, which he
was doing now, walking toward her with a slip of paper in his hand. “Get
him to bed,” he told her, handing her the prescription, “and start him
on this right away.”

By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again
for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic
as well. And she had forgotten about the pie in the oven.

At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled and
rushed back to the car. Which was locked. Yes, there were her keys,
hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car.

She ran back into the mall, found a phone and called home. When
her son finally answered, she blurted out, “I’ve locked the keys inside
the car!” The boy was barely able to speak.  In a hoarse voice he
whispered, “Get a wire coat hanger, Mom.  You can get in with that.”
The phone went dead.

She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger, which turned
out not to be easy.  Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in
abundance, but shops didn’t use wire hangers anymore.  After combing
through a dozen stores, she found one that was behind the times just
enough to use wire hangers.

Hurrying out of the mall, she allowed herself a smile of relief.
As she was about to step off the curb, she halted.
She stared at the wire coat hanger.  “I don’t know what to do with
this!” Then she remembered the pie in the oven.

All the frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she
began crying.  Then she prayed. “Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs
this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the
car and, Lord, I don’t know what to do with this coat hanger.  Dear
Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it, and I really
need that person NOW, Lord.  Amen.”

She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the
curb and stopped in front of her.  A young man, twentyish-looking, in a
t-shirt and ragged jeans, got out.

The first thing she noticed about him was the long, stringy hair, and
then the beard that hid everything south of his nose.  He was coming her way.

When he drew near she stepped in front of him and held out the
wire coat hanger.  “Young man,” she said, “Do you know how to get into a
locked car with one of these?”

He gaped at her for a moment, and then plucked the hanger from her
hand. “Where’s the car.”

Telling the story, she said she had never seen anything like it.
It was simply amazing how easily he got into her car.  A quick look at
the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger and bam!
Just like that, the door was open.

When she saw the door open she threw her arms around him.  “Oh,”
she said, “the Lord sent you!  You’re such a good boy.  You must be a
Christian.”

He stepped back and said, “No ma’am, I’m not a Christian, and I’m
not a good boy.  I just got out of prison yesterday.”

She jumped at him and she hugged him again – fiercely.
“Praise be to God!” she cried. “He sent me a professional!”

Phil 4:6, 7 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and
supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made know to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your
Hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Redneck Fisherman’s Ode to a Valentine…

John 3:16a “For God so loved the world…”

Use with much caution and explanation…

For you who need help on Valentine’s Day

 

Redneck Fisherman’s Ode to a Valentine…

Kudzu is green.

My Dog’s name is Blue.

And I’m so danged lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.

 

Yore hair is like cornsilk,

A-flappin’ in the breeze.

Softer than Blue’s

And without all them fleas.

 

You move like the bass

which excite me in May.

You ain’t got no scales

But I luv you anyway.

 

Yo’re as graceful as okry

jist a-dancin’ in the pan.

Yore as fragrant as Mountain Dew

Right out of the can.

 

You have all yore teeth

For which I am proud.

I hold my head high

When we’s in a crowd.

 

On special occasions,

When you shave yore armpits,

Well I’m in hawg heaven.

I’m plumb out of my wits.

 

And speakin’ of wits,

You got plenty fer shore.

‘Cuz you are my woman.

I can’t ask fer more.

 

Like a good roll of Duct Tape

Yo’re there for yore man

To patch up life’s toubles

And stick ’em in the can.

 

Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler

Racin’ through the mud.

Yet fragile as that singer

Named Naomi Judd.

 

Yo’re as cute as a Junebug

A-buzzin’ overhead.

You ain’t mean like no far ant

On which I oft tread.

 

Cut from the best pattern

Like a flannel shirt of plaid,

You sparked up my life

Like my Rattletrap Shad. (A fishing lure.)

 

When you hold me real tight

Like a padded gunrack,

My life is complete.

There ain’t nothin’ I lack.

 

Yore complexion’s perfection

Like the best vinly sidin’,

Despite all the years,

Yore age, it keeps hidin’.

 

And when you get old

Like a ’57 Chevy,

I won’t put you on blocks

and let grass grow up heavy.

 

Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie

with a cold RC drink.

We go together

Like a skunk goes with stink.

 

Some men, they buy chocolate

For Valentine’s Day.

They git it at Wal-Mart.

It’s romantic that way.

 

Some men, they git roses

On that special day

From a cooler at Food World.

“That’s impressive,” I say.

 

Some men buy fine diamonds

From a flea market booth.

“A diamond’s forever,”

They explain, suave and couth.

 

But for this feller, honey,

These will not do.

For you are too special,

You old sweet thang, you.

 

I got you a gift

without taste nor odor.

Better than diamonds,

it’s a new trollin’ motor.

 

On the serious side. Remember everyday and

especially today to tell that special one in your

life; I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

John 3:16-18 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.”