Acts 2:38 Godly Fire Power…

Hebrews 4:12 “For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.”

Acts 2:38 Godly Fire Power…

An elderly woman had just returned to her home
from an evening of Church services when she was
startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act
of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled,

“Stop! Acts 2:38! “
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so
that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in,
he asked the burglar,

“Why did you just stand there?
All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar.
“She said she had an Ax and Two 38’s!”

Acts 1:5 “for John truly baptized with water, but you shall be baptized with the Holy Spirit not many days from now.”

Psalm 91:4 “ He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge;”

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of CHRISTmas…

Remember the one gift that has eternal meaning in our lives.

John 3:16 ‘For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, should not perish, but have life everlasting.’

Now for some humor for your day!

THE TWELVE THANK-YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS…

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present!

Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write.

I’m so touched and grateful!

With undying love, as always,

Emily

Dec 27

My darling Edward,

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It’s a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we’ll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they’re lovely.

Your devoted Emily

Dec 28

Dearest Edward,

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning.

They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly–they make telephoning almost impossible–but I expect they’ll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I’m very grateful, of course I am.

Love from Emily

Dec 29

Dearest Edward,

The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I’m afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to “wring” their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she’s only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.

Bless you,

Emily

Dec 30

Dear Edward,

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn’t six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they’ve already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let’s call a halt, shall we?

Love, Emily

Dec 31

Edward,

I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I’d rather not think what’s happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!

Your Emily

Jan 1

Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I’m afraid I don’t find it very amusing.

Jan 2

Emily

Look here, Edward,

This has gone far enough. You say you’re sending me nine ladies dancing.

All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they’re certainly not ladies. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!

Emily

Jan 3

As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted.

I shall never speak to you again.

Emily

Jan 4

This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes!

The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance.

I hope you’re satisfied.

Sir, Jan 5

Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.

I am, Sir, yours faithfully,

  1. Creep

Attorney at law

CHRISTmas Greetings

Remember the one gift that has eternal meaning in our lives.

John 3:16 ‘For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, should not perish, but have life everlasting.’

Management Exam…

Mat 20:27,28 “and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Management Exam (Humor and Truth)…

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional manager. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT difficult.

But don’t scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer!

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

2. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.
All the animals attend…except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

3. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes and how well you listen.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

On the bright side Jesus says that to know Him we should;

Luke 18:17 “Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the
kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.”

How to get wisdom.

Proverbs 1:7 “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, But fools despise wisdom and instruction.”

Proverbs 2:6 “For the Lord gives wisdom; From His mouth come knowledge and understanding;”

Proverbs 4:7 “Wisdom is the principal thing; Therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding.”

Proverbs 1:5,6 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.”

Hell and your E-mail Address…Caution…

John 17:3 “And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent. “

Hell and your E-mail Address …Caution…

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been “called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

From: Your Departed Husband

Subject: I’ve Arrived!

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

That’s the humor for the day.

Now back to reality. Hell is real. Never forget that. And of course, there is someone who would wish that we did.

Prov  27:21a “Hell and destruction are never full…”

 Rev 20:14,15 “Then Death and Hades were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. And anyone not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire.”

Are you a Carrot, Egg, or a Coffee Bean…

II Corinthians 4:8-9 – We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed.

Are you a Carrot, Egg, or a Coffee Bean…

A certain daughter complained to her father about her life
and how things have been so hard for her. She did not know
how she was going to make it and she wanted to give up. She
was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that just as
one problem was solved another arose.

Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen, filled three pots
with water and placed the fire on high. Soon the three pots
came to a boil. In one he placed carrots, in the other he
placed eggs, and in the last he placed ground coffee beans.
He let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

The daughter sucked her teeth and impatiently wondered what
he was trying to do. She had problems, and he was making this
strange concoction. In half an hour he walked over to the oven
and turned down the fire. He pulled the carrots out and placed
them in the bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them in the
bowl. Then he ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her he asked. “Darling what do you see.”

Smartly, she replied. “Carrots, eggs, and coffee.”

He brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She
did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take
an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed
the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee.
Her face frowned from the strength of the coffee.

Humbly, she asked. “What does it mean Father?”

He explained. “Each of them faced the same adversity, 212
degrees of boiling water. However each reacted differently.”

“The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. But after
going through boiling water, it softened and became weak.”

“The egg was fragile. A thin outer shell protected a liquid
center. But after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.”

“The coffee beans are unique however. After they were in
the boiling water, it became stronger and gave off a rich aroma.”

“Which are you,” he asked his daughter.

When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?
Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

Are you the carrot that seems hard, but with the smallest
amount of pain, adversity, heat you wilt and become soft
with no strength?

Are you the egg, which starts off with a malleable heart
and a fluid spirit? But after a death, a breakup, a divorce, a
layoff you became hardened and stiff. Your shell looks
the same, but you are so bitter and tough with a stiff
spirit and heart, internally.

Or are you like the coffee bean? The bean does not get
its peak flavor and robust until it reaches 212 degrees
Fahrenheit. When the water gets the hottest, it just tastes
better.

When things are there worst, do you get better? When
people talk the most, do your praises increase? When the hour
is the darkest, and trials are their greatest, does your worship
elevate to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

Enjoy your coffee this morning….

II Corinthians 12:9 “And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in (your) weakness, most gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

CHRISTian Bumper Stickers and Signs…

James 1:5,6a “If any of you lacks wisdom let him ask of God, Who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith…”

CHRISTian Bumper Stickers and Signs

Be Fishers of Men…. You fish, He catches & Cleans ’em.
~~~~~~~
A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.
~~~~~~~
A family altar can alter a family.
~~~~~~~
A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
~~~~~~~
Are you wrinkled with burden? Come on into Church for a faith lift!
~~~~~~~
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
~~~~~~~
Do your best and then sleep in peace. God is Awake.
~~~~~~~
Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.
~~~~~~~
Don’t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
~~~~~~~
Exercise daily. Walk with the Lord!
~~~~~~~
Fear knocked. Faith answered. No one was there
~~~~~~~
For all you do, His blood’s for you!
~~~~~~~
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
~~~~~~~
Give God what’s right, not what’s left!
~~~~~~~
Give Satan an inch and he’ll be a ruler.
~~~~~~~
God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
~~~~~~~
God doesn’t want shares of your life; He wants controlling interest!
~~~~~~~
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
~~~~~~~
God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts”!
~~~~~~~
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
~~~~~~~
Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible!
~~~~~~
He who angers you controls you!
~~~~~~~
He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
~~~~~~~
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone!
~~~~~~~
If God is your Co-pilot – Swap seats!
~~~~~~~
In the sentence of life the Devil may be a comma, but
DO NOT let him be the PERIOD!
~~~~~~~
Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
~~~~~~~
Man’s way leads to a hopeless end! God’s way leads to an endless hope!
~~~~~~~
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.
~~~~~~~
Never give the devil a ride! He will always want to drive!
~~~~~~~
Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
~~~~~~~
Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
~~~~~~~
“Pray” is a four letter word that you can say anywhere except in a public school.
~~~~~~~
Prayer -Don’t give God instructions – just report for duty!
~~~~~~~
Read The Bible…It Will Scare The Hell Out Of You!
~~~~~~~
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
~~~~~~
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
~~~~~~~
This Church is “Prayer Conditioned”!
~~~~~
To be almost saved is to be totally lost.
~~~~~~
Wal-Mart isn’t the only saving place!
~~~~~~~
WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning!
~~~~~~~
Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does!
~~~~~~~
We don’t change the message, the message changes us.
~~~~~~~
We set the sail; God makes the wind.
~~~~~~
We’re too blessed to be depressed.
~~~~~~~
When God ordains, He sustains.
~~~~~~
Wisdom has two parts: 1) Having a lot to say. 2) Not saying it.
~~~~~~~
Worry is the darkroom in which “negatives” are developed.
~~~~~~~
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

Matthew 5:16 “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”

Humor for your Day…

Proverbs 15:13 “A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance,

But by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.”

Humor for you Day

If you do not understand some of these it will be a challenge to you to research scripture more.

Bible Questions

  1. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
  2. Ruthless.

 

  1. What do they call pastors in Germany?
  2. German Shepherds.

 

  1. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
  2. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

 

  1. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
  2. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

 

  1. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
  2. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
  3. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.
  4. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

 

  1. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
  2. Samson. He brought the house down.

 

  1. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
  2. Your mother ate us out of house and home. It’s where the old pass the blame problem was first used.

 

  1. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
  2. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

 

  1. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
  2. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

 

  1. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
  2. David. He rocked Goliath into a very deep sleep.

 

  1. Which Bible character had no parents?
  2. Joshua, the son of Nun.

 

Proverbs 17:22 “A merry heart does good, like medicine, But a broken spirit dries the bone.”

 

Rom 15:13 “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

 

KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!!!