CHRISTian Humor and Truth…

James 1:22 “But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.”

For the start of your day here are some thought provokers.

With most of these you can apply scripture principles.

Christian Humor and Truth

Don’t let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.


Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
until you try to sit in their pews.


Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.


It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.


The good Lord didn’t create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.


When you get to your wit’s end, you’ll find God lives there.


People are funny; they want the
front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.


Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.


Quit griping about your
church; if it was perfect, you couldn’t belong.


If the church wants a
better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.


God Himself does not propose
to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?


Some minds are like concrete
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.


Peace starts with a smile.


I don’t know why some people
change churches; what difference does
it make which one you stay home from?!


A lot of church members who
are singing “Standing on the Promises” are just sitting on the premises.


We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.


Be ye fishers of men. You catch them – He’ll clean them.


Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.


Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.


Don’t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.


Forbidden fruits create many jams.


God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.


God grades on the cross, not the curve.


God loves everyone, but probably prefers
“fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts!”


God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.


He who angers you, controls you!


If God is your Co-pilot – swap seats!



Don’t give God instructions — just report for duty!


The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.


The Will of God never takes you to
where the Grace of God will not protect you.


We don’t change the message, the message changes us.


You can tell how big a person
is by what it takes to……….discourage him.


The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.


James 1:22 “But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.”


Tech Support, I need HELP…

Humor, Challenge and Truth!
Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.”

 Tech Support, I need HELP:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.  No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Monday Night Football 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4, a Sunday Nascar 5.1, and Clutter Everywhere 5.5.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs smoothly, and invariably crashes the system. Only under significant alterations will the software run Diaper Changing 14.1 or House Cleaning 2.6.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please?!?!

Thank You, Jane

Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception.  Many people upgrade from Boy friend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that
Boy friend 5.0 is many times only an ENTERTAINMENT package.  However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was modified by some Users to run as few applications as possible. The original Design programming was not that way.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boy friend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Many try but it only causes systems crashes. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boy friend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, which is not possible.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed as planned by the software programmer. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory.

Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boy friend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more
problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Husband 1.0 was designed to be perfect for the life of users.

Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support.”  You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with Heart Break 1.3; I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. A large dose of Unconditional Love 1.0 is required from the user and the software.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself; I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).  This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.  To activate this great feature enter the command “C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME” Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.

Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. There are viruses out there Silence 12.4 and Pouting/Laziness 7.9 so be sure to run your virus protection Soft Answer 12.6 frequently.

Avoid excessive use of Tears 6.2.  Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\>I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations.

Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or worse yet, Silence and Pouting. Pouting/Laziness 7.9 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete.

Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!  Just remember!  The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boy Friend 5.0 ran.

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, Patience 10.1 and of course Unconditional Love 1.0. Using it in conjunction with these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 run smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fixe B Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, Best Friend 7.6 and most importantly will provide Returned Unconditional Love 1.0.

A final word of caution!  Remember that Mother-in-law 1.0 comes with many of the same issues.  You should not attempt to uninstall. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until Mother-in-law 1.0.

There is one solution, if you install Unconditional Love 2.0 you can safely manage Mother-in-law 1.0 and Unconditional Love 2.0 has features that work with all other programs.

I hope these notes have helped.  Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best in coming years.

We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Proverbs 3:5-7 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.   In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.   Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.”

Redneck Fisherman’s Ode to a Valentine…

John 3:16a “For God so loved the world…”

Use with much caution and explanation…

For you who need help on Valentine’s Day

Redneck Fisherman’s Ode to a Valentine

Kudzu is green.

My Dog’s name is Blue.

And I’m so danged lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.


Yore hair is like cornsilk,

A-flappin’ in the breeze.

Softer than Blue’s

And without all them fleas.


You move like the bass

which excite me in May.

You ain’t got no scales

But I luv you anyway.


Yo’re as graceful as okry

jist a-dancin’ in the pan.

Yore as fragrant as Mountain Dew

Right out of the can.


You have all yore teeth

For which I am proud.

I hold my head high

When we’s in a crowd.


On special occasions,

When you shave yore armpits,

Well I’m in hawg heaven.

I’m plumb out of my wits.


And speakin’ of wits,

You got plenty fer shore.

‘Cuz you are my woman.

I can’t ask fer more.


Like a good roll of Duct Tape

Yo’re there for yore man

To patch up life’s toubles

And stick ’em in the can.


Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler

Racin’ through the mud.

Yet fragile as that singer

Named Naomi Judd.


Yo’re as cute as a Junebug

A-buzzin’ overhead.

You ain’t mean like no far ant

On which I oft tread.


Cut from the best pattern

Like a flannel shirt of plaid,

You sparked up my life

Like my Rattletrap Shad. (A fishing lure.)


When you hold me real tight

Like a padded gunrack,

My life is complete.

There ain’t nothin’ I lack.


Yore complexion’s perfection

Like the best vinly sidin’,

Despite all the years,

Yore age, it keeps hidin’.


And when you get old

Like a ’57 Chevy,

I won’t put you on blocks

and let grass grow up heavy.


Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie

with a cold RC drink.

We go together

Like a skunk goes with stink.


Some men, they buy chocolate

For Valentine’s Day.

They git it at Wal-Mart.

It’s romantic that way.


Some men, they git roses

On that special day

From a cooler at Food World.

“That’s impressive,” I say.


Some men buy fine diamonds

From a flea market booth.

“A diamond’s forever,”

They explain, suave and couth.


But for this feller, honey,

These will not do.

For you are too special,

You old sweet thang, you.


I got you a gift

without taste nor odor.

Better than diamonds,

it’s a new trollin’ motor.


On the serious side. Remember everyday and especially today to tell that special one in your life; I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

John 3:16-18 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.”



Remember the one gift that has eternal meaning in our lives.

John 3:16 ‘For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, should not perish, but have life everlasting.’

Now for some humor for your day!


Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present!

Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving


Dec 26

Beloved Edward,

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write.

I’m so touched and grateful!

With undying love, as always,


Dec 27

My darling Edward,

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It’s a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we’ll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they’re lovely.

Your devoted Emily

Dec 28

Dearest Edward,

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning.

They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly–they make telephoning almost impossible–but I expect they’ll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I’m very grateful, of course I am.

Love from Emily

Dec 29

Dearest Edward,

The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I’m afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to “wring” their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she’s only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.

Bless you,


Dec 30

Dear Edward,

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn’t six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they’ve already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let’s call a halt, shall we?

Love, Emily

Dec 31


I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I’d rather not think what’s happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!

Your Emily

Jan 1

Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I’m afraid I don’t find it very amusing.

Jan 2


Look here, Edward,

This has gone far enough. You say you’re sending me nine ladies dancing.

All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they’re certainly not ladies. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!


Jan 3

As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted.

I shall never speak to you again.


Jan 4

This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes!

The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance.

I hope you’re satisfied.

Sir, Jan 5

Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.

I am, Sir, yours faithfully,

  1. Creep

Attorney at law

CHRISTmas Greetings

Remember the one gift that has eternal meaning in our lives.

John 3:16 ‘For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, should not perish, but have life everlasting.’


The CHRISTmas Pageant…

John 3:16a “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son…”

The CHRISTmas Pageant

My husband and I had been happily married (most of the time) for five years but hadn’t been blessed with a baby. I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that if he would give us a child, I would be a perfect mother, love it with all my heart and raise it with His word as my guide.

God answered my prayers with a yes and blessed us with a son. The next year God blessed us with another son.

The following year, He blessed us with yet another son. The year after that we were blessed with a daughter.  My husband thought we’d been blessed right into poverty. We now had four children, and the oldest was only four years old. I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it. As a minister once told me, “If you pray for rain make sure you carry an umbrella.”

I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs. I was off to a good start. God had entrusted me with four children and I didn’t want to disappoint Him. I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks. I tried to be understanding…when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three frogs.

When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humor rather than the mess. In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time, I still thank God daily for my children.

While I couldn’t keep my promise to be a perfect mother – didn’t even come close…I did keep my promise to raise them in the Word of God. I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship God, and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to “wash up” Jesus, too. Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us everlasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God to give us his “last wife.”

My proudest moment came during the children’s Christmas pageant. My daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine. My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line, “We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes.” But he was nervous and said, “The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes.” My four-year-old “Mary” said, “That’s not ‘wrinkled clothes,’ silly. That’s dirty, rotten clothes.”

A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd and was stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing.

I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, “Mama-mama.”

Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived.

My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown, knelt at the manger and announced, “We are the three wise men, and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur.” The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a standing ovation.

“I’ve never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one,” laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes.

“For the rest of my life, I’ll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common sense and fur.”

“My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing,” I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.

Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.

Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.

Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.

Had no army, yet kings feared Him.

He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.

He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.

He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.

Feel honored to serve such a Leader who loves us.


John 3:16-18 ” For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world but that the world through him might be saved. He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.”

Philosophies on why the Chicken crossed the Road…

Col 2:8 “See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ”

Philosophies on why the chicken crossed the road.

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that is the only trip the establishment would let it take.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phloem in its pancreas.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?  The end result of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

DR SPOCK: Leave the poor chicken alone. If you question his actions you may stifle his creativity.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the Chicken Office 2009, which will not only enable companies to cross the road more efficiently increasing profits, but will lay eggs automatically, file documents and balance accounts. This software can only be used on certain computers and companies not using the new road crossing system will be.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross the road.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

HANS BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

RALPH NADER: The chicken’s habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I’ll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing the road syndrome. Can you believe this!!?? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I’m talking about your money, money the government took from you to build the road for chickens to cross!

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I deny knowing about it and if I did I am sorry. I think I know of a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell their eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

Dr SUESS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed the road I’ve not been told.

GRANDPA/GRANDMA: In our day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, we trusted them to tell the truth, and we believed it.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING:                 Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop profitability at the trough and develop the core competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting (AC), in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy, its Parts Development Processes (PDP) and it’s (OFT) Manufacturing Processes.

Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and resources to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology to support the overall strategy within its Program Management framework.

Andersen Consulting then convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and the top chickens available along with their own consultants all having doctorates in the transportation industry. They held benchmarking activities with leading manufacturers and participated in multiple day long brainstorming sessions and held and developed a process to leverage their personal knowledge both tacit and explicit, capital, which enabled them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully designing and implementing an enterprise-wide value   framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median logistics processes.

The session was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an environment which while holistically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become a world class traveler.

In summary: KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

Be very careful in what topics you make complex…………..

Luke 18:17   ” Verily I say unto you, whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein “

Ice Cream for the Soul…

Luke 6:27-29 “But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies,
do good to those who hate you, bless those who
curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use
you. To him who strikes you on one cheek, offer the
other also. And from him who takes away your cloak,
do not withhold your tunic either.”

Ice Cream for the Soul
Author unknown

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My
six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed
our heads he said, God is good. God is great. Thank you
for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets
us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all!

Along with the laughter from the other customers
nearby I heard a woman remark, “That’s what’s wrong with
this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!” Hearing this, my
son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? Is
God mad at me?”

As I held him and assured him that he had done a
terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an
elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my
son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a
great prayer.” “Really?” my son asked “Cross my heart.” Then
in theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose
remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never
asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the
soul sometimes.”

Naturally, I bought my kid’s ice cream at the end of
the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did
something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up
his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in
front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, “Here,
this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes
and my soul is good already.”

The End

Mat 6:6, 7 “But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words.”