Songs for Every Occupation and Occasion…

Psalm 100:1, 2 “Make a joyful shout to the Lord, all you lands! Serve the Lord with gladness; Come before His presence with singing.”

Songs for Every Occupation and Occasion…

The Dentist’s Hymn:…………………..Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman’s Hymn:………………..There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor’s Hymn:………………..The Church’s One Foundation
The Tailor’s Hymn:……………………Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer’s Hymn:……………………There’s a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician’s Hymn:………………..Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist’s Hymn:……………….Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent’s Hymn:…………………I Surrender All
The Electrician’s Hymn:……………….Send The Light
The Shopper’s Hymn:…………………..Sweet By and By
The Realtor’s Hymn:…………………..I’ve Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Doctor’s Hymn:……………………The Great Physician

For those who speed on the highway – a few hymns:

45 mph………………..God Will Take Care of You
55 mph………………..Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph………………..Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph………………..Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph………………..This World Is Not My Home
95 mph………………..Lord, I’m Coming Home
Over 100 mph…………..Precious Memories
………………………………………………………
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life
And pass it on to other folk .

Psalm 101 “I will sing of mercy and justice; To You, O Lord, I will sing praises.”

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Black and White TV…

BLACK & WHITE TV

(For the older folks. You youngsters, unfortunately, may not understand. You will have to google some of the names)

But pay attention to the 2nd half.

You could hardly see for all the snow –
spread the rabbit ears as far as they would go,
pull up a chair to the TV set,
hear a “good night, David – good night, Chet.”

Depending’ on the channel you tuned,
you got Rob and Laura, or Ward and June.
It felt so good, felt so right
life looked better in black and white.

I love Lucy, the real McCoys,
Dennis the menace, the Cleaver boys,
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Father Knows Best and Lois Lane,
life looked better in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white, everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives, good guys always won the fights.
Now nothin’s the way it seems
in living color on the screen –
I wanna go back to black and white.

In God they trusted, in their bed they slept –
a promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows,
they’d never make the networks now.
But if I could I’d rather be in a TV town in ’63.
Life looked better in black and white.

I’d trade all the channels on the Satellite
if I could just turn back the clock tonight
to when most everybody knew wrong from right.
Yes, oh yes, “life was better in black and white.”

It is true that sin existed in black and white TV days also. So for that portion of the poem it is incorrect. But I believe that our country and world have opened themselves up to sin more so in our modern age and the enemy seems to be much busier. The proof is that in the black and white TV days we could pray in school, marriage was between a man and a woman and murder of the child in the womb was murder and so much more. While our world deteriorates before our eyes we can take comfort in;

Mal 3:6a “For I am the Lord, I do not change…”

These are signs that…

John 14:3 “And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.”

So, our course of action is not to complain but to…..

 Luke 9:23 “Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.”

Philip. 3:14 “I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”

One final reminder…

I Peter 5:9-11 “Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. 10 But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. 11 To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.”

When you Force it, you Break it…

Psalm 27:14 “Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart:  wait, I say, on the Lord.”

         Here is another good example for us. And by the way I relate extremely well to Ron on this one.  I have a long history of breaking things due to impatience. It has gotten better over time due to learning from painful experiences but wouldn’t it have been great to have done it right from square one? This principle involves many chapters in my life. Many not so good chapters.    

“When You Force it, you break it”

         Our friends were kind enough to loan my wife and me their second home, a camper, where we could get away for a couple of days. When you’re in somebody else’s home, you have to be on your good behavior, like make sure you don’t break anything, leave it as you found it. I was having a little difficulty getting the front door unjammed, uh, unlocked I guess, and my wife said, “What are you doing?” And I jokingly said, “Well, I couldn’t get it unlocked, so I’m just forcing it open.” She said, “No, no, no, no, don’t do that.” Now there’s a reason we had that little dialogue. She panicked right away because, well, she knows my history. 

If I was trying to force it open, I would probably break it. Oh, I did get out okay, but she knows I have this tendency to try to make things work if they don’t want to work. I sometimes get impatient with things that don’t work quickly. In fact, I’ve been known to force a door handle and break it. There have been a couple of occasions where I have forced a tool, and I broke it. You will probably never lend me anything. I’ve tried to force a lock, and I broke it. I’ve tried to force other things, and they broke too. 

“When You Force it, You Break it.” 

We are reminded from God’s word of the danger of forcing things to meet our perceived solutions. Genesis 16:1 that says, “Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian maidservant named Hagar; so she said to Abram, ‘The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her.'” Verse 4 says, “He slept with Hagar, and she conceived.” Now here’s the history. Abram and Sarai had been promised a son by God. They had to wait longer than they thought they would have to wait. Apparently, it wasn’t working, so guess what Abram tried to do? He said, “Hey, let’s force it. I got an idea. We’ll help God out.” Here’s a new verb: “to Hagar.” You say wait, wait, isn’t Hagar like a name? Isn’t that the name of this maidservant; this surrogate mother? Well actually, it is a noun, but, “to Hagar,” well, that’s a verb. It means to try and make it happen. If you force it – take it from the expert – you break it. 

Thirteen years after Abram and Sarai tried to force what God had promised the son God promised came along- Isaac. Now they have a 13-year-old Ishmael on their hands, too. And those two boys were in constant conflict. They’re still in conflict today. It’s called the Arabs and the Jews descended from Ishmael and Isaac. And the great wars of the world may still be fought over that conflict. All of this happened simply because Abram couldn’t wait for God to do it His way and in His time. How easy that is to do. 

Right now, maybe there’s something in your life that isn’t working as you thought it should. Maybe the romance isn’t there. Maybe you need to help God out a little bit, you think. Maybe the money isn’t there and you need to figure out a way to help God with it. Maybe the future isn’t working out the way you want it to. So, you’re just going to try to make things happen. Please, don’t Hagar. Don’t force it. Hagar is a verb. Don’t grab a wrong way to get a right thing done. You’ll pay for that mistake for a long, long time. 

Four thousand years later, people are still paying for Abraham’s “Hagar Solution.” Look, are you trying to rush it right now? Are you trying to force it? Are you trying to make things happen instead of watching God do it? Would you let go before you break it, and let God make it work when He knows that it’s time.

Psalm 27:14 “Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.”

CHRISTian Humor and Truth…

James 1:22 “But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.”

For the start of your day here are some thought provokers.

With most of these you can apply scripture principles.

Christian Humor and Truth

Don’t let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.


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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
until you try to sit in their pews.


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Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.

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It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

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The good Lord didn’t create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.


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When you get to your wit’s end, you’ll find God lives there.

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People are funny; they want the
front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.


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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.


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Quit griping about your
church; if it was perfect, you couldn’t belong.


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If the church wants a
better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.


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God Himself does not propose
to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?


*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Some minds are like concrete
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

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Peace starts with a smile.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

I don’t know why some people
change churches; what difference does
it make which one you stay home from?!


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A lot of church members who
are singing “Standing on the Promises” are just sitting on the premises.


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We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

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Be ye fishers of men. You catch them – He’ll clean them.

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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.

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Don’t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

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Forbidden fruits create many jams.

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God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

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God grades on the cross, not the curve.

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God loves everyone, but probably prefers
“fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts!”


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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

He who angers you, controls you!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

If God is your Co-pilot – swap seats!

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Prayer:

Don’t give God instructions — just report for duty!

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The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.

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The Will of God never takes you to
where the Grace of God will not protect you.

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We don’t change the message, the message changes us.

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You can tell how big a person
is by what it takes to……….discourage him.


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The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.

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James 1:22 “But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.”

THE TWELVE THANK-YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS…

 

Remember the one gift that has eternal meaning in our lives.

John 3:16 ‘For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, should not perish, but have life everlasting.’

Now for some humor for your day!

THE TWELVE THANK-YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present!

Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write.

I’m so touched and grateful!

With undying love, as always,

Emily

Dec 27

My darling Edward,

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It’s a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we’ll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they’re lovely.

Your devoted Emily

Dec 28

Dearest Edward,

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning.

They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly–they make telephoning almost impossible–but I expect they’ll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I’m very grateful, of course I am.

Love from Emily

Dec 29

Dearest Edward,

The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I’m afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to “wring” their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she’s only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.

Bless you,

Emily

Dec 30

Dear Edward,

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn’t six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they’ve already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let’s call a halt, shall we?

Love, Emily

Dec 31

Edward,

I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I’d rather not think what’s happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!

Your Emily

Jan 1

Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I’m afraid I don’t find it very amusing.

Jan 2

Emily

Look here, Edward,

This has gone far enough. You say you’re sending me nine ladies dancing.

All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they’re certainly not ladies. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!

Emily

Jan 3

As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted.

I shall never speak to you again.

Emily

Jan 4

This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes!

The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance.

I hope you’re satisfied.

Sir, Jan 5

Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.

I am, Sir, yours faithfully,

  1. Creep

Attorney at law

CHRISTmas Greetings

Remember the one gift that has eternal meaning in our lives.

John 3:16 ‘For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, should not perish, but have life everlasting.’

 

Philosophies on why the Chicken crossed the Road…

Col 2:8 “See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ”

Philosophies on why the chicken crossed the road.

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that is the only trip the establishment would let it take.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phloem in its pancreas.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?  The end result of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

DR SPOCK: Leave the poor chicken alone. If you question his actions you may stifle his creativity.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the Chicken Office 2009, which will not only enable companies to cross the road more efficiently increasing profits, but will lay eggs automatically, file documents and balance accounts. This software can only be used on certain computers and companies not using the new road crossing system will be.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross the road.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

HANS BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

RALPH NADER: The chicken’s habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I’ll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing the road syndrome. Can you believe this!!?? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I’m talking about your money, money the government took from you to build the road for chickens to cross!

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I deny knowing about it and if I did I am sorry. I think I know of a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell their eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

Dr SUESS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed the road I’ve not been told.

GRANDPA/GRANDMA: In our day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, we trusted them to tell the truth, and we believed it.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING:                 Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop profitability at the trough and develop the core competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting (AC), in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy, its Parts Development Processes (PDP) and it’s (OFT) Manufacturing Processes.

Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and resources to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology to support the overall strategy within its Program Management framework.

Andersen Consulting then convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and the top chickens available along with their own consultants all having doctorates in the transportation industry. They held benchmarking activities with leading manufacturers and participated in multiple day long brainstorming sessions and held and developed a process to leverage their personal knowledge both tacit and explicit, capital, which enabled them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully designing and implementing an enterprise-wide value   framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median logistics processes.

The session was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an environment which while holistically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become a world class traveler.

In summary: KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

Be very careful in what topics you make complex…………..

Luke 18:17   ” Verily I say unto you, whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein “

The devil and the Nuts…

I Peter 5:8 “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary, the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”

The devil and the Nuts!

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery
fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by
the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy.
Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me.” He just knew what it was.

“Oh my,” he shuddered, “its Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at
the cemetery.”

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an
old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard. Satan
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”

The man said, “Beat it, kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.”
When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ the truth. Let’s see if
we can see the devil himself.”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable
to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars
of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of
Satan.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me, and one last one for you.
That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be
done.”

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

I Peter 5:8 “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary, the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”

 James 4:7 “Therefore submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you.”