In the spirit of TAX season…
Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or
enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real
letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of weird and bizarre
denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for
two of the tree dependents I claimed on my last years Federal Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children
for years. They are evil and expensive. It’s only fair that, since
they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government
should know something about them and what to expect over the next
year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and
reinstate the deduction. They are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her!
I suggest you ask her to work in your office where she can answer
people’s questions about their returns. While she has no formal
training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject
you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to
college. I think it’s wonderful that you will now be responsible
for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind
that she has a truck. It doesn’t run at the moment, so you have the
choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the
vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has
a boyfriend. Oh joy! This is always uncomfortable, and I
am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future.
Patrick is 14. I’ve had my suspicions about this one. His eyes
are a little lighter in color than those of normal people. He may be
a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In
February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer
bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP’ing houses as he stayed
over at a friends house. In the future, would you like him delivered
to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost
anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye,
what’s the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You’ll have plenty of time,
as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food
fight in the cafeteria. I’ll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared
as if by magic one year. I’m sure this one is yours. She is 10 going
on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed
clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim’s.
Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of
her remedial reading courses. “Hooked On Phonics” is expensive, so
the schools dropped it. But here’s the good news! You can buy it
yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me!
It’s quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two).
She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the
curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood,
reggae, yuppie and political double speak. The school sends her to a
speech pathologist who has her roll her “R’s”. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy
pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of “nests”
in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that
you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the
youngest two; I will still go bankrupt with Kristen’s college, but
then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls,
then I won’t feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I
have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in
additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund)
Mat 22:17-21 “Tell us therefore, what do you think? Is it lawful to
Pay taxes to Caesar, or not? But Jesus perceived their wickedness,
and said,n‘Why do you test Me, you hypocrites? Show Me your money.’ So they
brought Him a denarius. And He said to them, ‘Whose image and
inscription is on this?’ They said to Him, ‘Caesar’s.’ And He said
to them, ‘ Render therefore to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s”